Chapter 7.1 – The dive

I think I could sense whenever the ‘baby’ was nearby. I felt so much connected with the giant baby. I hear the lullaby now every time. In my head. Whenever the tune plays, I get confused. Confused if I’m hearing it in real or in my head. Many a times I ran towards the deck to double check if it really played in my head. Sometimes I’d see the tail, sometimes only plain blue nothingness. I even drew the picture of a wide blue ocean, having a tiny tail in the middle. While I felt cute with it, my friend came to me with yet another exciting news. We’re about to go for diving!

My body froze. I felt my heartbeat rise. It was as if my heart did the job of jumping up and down in joy. I shook myself and grinned. Gave him a warm hug and asked how long I would have to wait. The woman who did not want to come out of a room, is about to dive into a world to which she would like to belong.

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Everything’s been set up. The suit. Oxygen. The first aid. The accessories. The boat. Experts to guide. I only had to jump. The remainder shall come to you, says my friend. From the deck, I was afraid of the blue water. It should frighten me now, when I’m just a jump from the boat. But I felt such a connection. The blue ripples were so peaceful. Lullaby played in my head. I was sure if I jumped not taking a moment to breathe, I would just fulfill my death wish. I never intended to die back then anyway. I wanted to explore. I wanted some memories. I was looking for something to fill in the gaps in my mind. I wanted to…. You know what I wanted more than the whole thing.

All my friends have dived before I have. I was only able to see them swim down to a depth. Then they disappeared, I guess. I took one big breath. Asked the lullaby to quit playing in my head. It went silent. I could only feel the breeze in my ears. The aquatic smell made me smile. The rhythm of water hitting the bottom of the boat. It was my queue to vanish deep into the blues. I looked into the water and smiled. Next thing I know, I’m underneath the surface.

What did I do next?

TBC…

Chapter 6. A sight for sore eyes

The next few days I spent most of my time staring into nowhere. Perhaps I wanted to see a tail, a big biiiiiiiiiigggg tail thrashing the surface of water anywhere near the yacht. Or to hear that sweet, long, calm lullaby from under the water. I grew disappointed and frustrated because I missed these. Like somebody said, all good things to those who wait!!!

We spot that flat big tail popping out of the surface far away from the boat. It slapped the water and sank in several times. It was some sight I longed to see, I became greedy though. I wanted more. I wanted to hear the lullaby. I wanted more of them coming out. I wanted to hear them singing in group. I wanted to go near them. Touch them. Feed them, not me as food, hehe. My train of thoughts moved on and there! The giant-cutie-pie basked! That was something. A sight for sore eyes, maybe. The ripples formed were huge, but grew smaller as it neared our boat.

Somebody from our group said that its only a baby. And everyone else nodded. I was like whaaaaaaaaaat????? That thing? A baby?! Did they even see it properly?? From that distance, from what I saw, I deduced that it had maybe 2 kids swimming beneath. But yeah, I had to nod with everyone else to hide the embarassment. I realized I didn’t stop nodding when my friend tapped on my head after two minutes, and laughed out loud. Hoping to see more of that “baby’s” play again, I watched its tail rise and sink into the water for a while, only to learn was it was swimming away.

TBC

Chapter 5. A glimpse

The lullabies came to me almost every night. It felt like a dream, also felt like it isn’t. What’s with whales and lullabies now? Many a times during night, I would wake up shaking my head, finding myself near the window pane staring at nothing. My eyes searched for something in the dark, yet moonlit waters. Every time I went back to bed in disappointment. Until one night… The water splashed up high from afar. I was damn sure it was what I thought it is. Was that my dream too?

*****

By this time spending away from land, I had one more hobby added. Diving deep!!! Another dark secret which neither the crew nor my buddies know- it’s my wish to embrace death deep down in the ocean. Not when I’m old, not when I’m down with some disease, not by suicide. I want it to happen naturally, calmly. While I die I want to watch the blue water moving rhythmically, shadows of fish moving above me, air bubbles from my mouth floating up towards them… Insane right? I know. Anyway, keeping this to myself, I dove deep with the crew, ready to embrace death anytime while it wasn’t dangerous at all. I was always the last to arrive back from our swim. It would’ve been the fear of a shark attacking me which made me look back while boarding the dock, if I was still that woman I was months ago. I’m a fearless one now, yet desperate to see what my heart whispered that I never missed to look back.

The day I almost got fed up of looking back, I saw something, for the second time! Splashes! And that familiar feeble lullaby…! My heart raced when somebody shouted “Whaaaaaaaaaleeeeeee!!!”. So it’s what I imagined! It was a whale after all… I saw its black(or blue?) tail thrashing the surface every 20 seconds. It was careful to maintain a distance, yet I could hear the lullaby. I looked around to see if anyone else could hear it. Guess it’s only me… People were getting their paddles ready to approach the creature. In an impulse I took one too, but the giant vanished in a blink of an eye. The surface was silent again. And calm too. Everyone else laughed and went back to their rooms, I stood there alone, keeping an eye on the horizon.

Will I dream again? Or…. Hear again?

TBC…

Chapter 4. The lullabies

It’s been close to two months and I learned more than just staring at the water. They kept asking me, if I loved the ocean and if that’s true, why did I shake everytime a wave rose upto the deck? Why didn’t I join the party patrolling nearby on speed boat? I wanted to answer these, but I kept that deep dark secret to myself. Well, it’s time to let it unfold now…

Yes I love the ocean. From the beach. Where it’s safe. Especially while the waves doesn’t grow tall above my chest. For the short person I am, that’s not much of a height to many. Why I am scared…?

I’ve heard people telling that they expect to see or sense ghosts or creepy supernatural stuffs while they’re washing face in the sink or stand under the shower. It’s not ghosts for me. It’s big, huge waves coming at me while I close my eyes.

Sometimes it’s clear blue water in the daylight. Sometimes it’s muddy brown waves. Sometimes it’s dark black waves in the moonlight and thunder behind it. Either of these cases, I do panic and open my eyes when the waves fall, not giving a shit of soap getting into my eyes. It stings, but I choose rather to come to my senses than getting myself a heart attack. Even if I’d come across a video of mid ocean surface, I panic. If I see waves rising in it, I’d close the app immediately. Not to mention I’d throw my phone away if it was a video of storm. It’s a nightmare which always have me waking up anytime after midnight. I don’t know why this happens. I have no history of drowning. But this always scare the hell out of me.

Anyway, sleeping on a floating boat right above what scares me, I considered it a great progress. The haunting is less now. A new dream kept coming to me though… Not the waves, not the storm, but the sound of whales. It wasn’t scary, it was more like lullaby. I wonder how I slept through storms listening to lullabies in my head, sung by whales… Was I going crazy?

TBC…

Chapter 3. Closer to that ‘something’

I told you, as much as I loved the ocean, it scared me as well. The surface of it was claiming and terrifying. What lies beneath? The thought of it scared me even more. I found people on that boat to be more than just tourists. They all had one or the other experience with the deep blue sea. Everyone had a story to tell. People with wandering souls… I felt a bit shy, or should I say shame? to talk to them. Well, spending days and days with them, I too, started looking at the ocean with the same old love.

Sometimes it was as if we were floating on a 10ft deep lake. Sometimes it was as if the roaring waves would throw us to the cloud. Anyway, it got less and less scary with each moment passing by. My head kept turning to directions, eyes searching for a piece of land. I didn’t much tell anyone that I’ll be unavailable for a few days. Well to the people who knew about my journey, I missed out to tell them that it’s gonna take maybe months. Or that there’s no guarantee in making it out alive. My bad. But still, do they miss me? I mean I had ways to make communication, I simply chose not to. That’s why I decided to be on a cruise. A getaway… From EVERYTHING. IF I make it back, I’ll know who actually cared to stay, whom to keep in my life going forward.

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A few days after getting adjusted with everything, I developed a new interest in marine life. Thanks to the team of scientists. It was thrilling to know about what lies beneath the vast blue surface. It made me realise, how small and low we are. The only species who boast about and take pride in their comparatively higher IQ. That is all we humans are about. I wish I took the courage to come out of my comfort zone way earlier. Well, better late than never right?

My heart said to stay there as long as I could, keep traveling on the waters. Because, I felt like something was missing in this journey. That ‘something’, was definitely not about eliminating my fear of the ocean. My heart kept telling me, look deeper, keep an eye on the horizon, your life is about to take a turn. I followed my heart. My head still turned to directions, not to find land though. That ‘something’ was close… I could feel it.

TBC…

Chapter 2. The beginning of something

So this cruise, is something I’ve never planned or imagined ever in my life. The opportunity came to me when I was sitting idle in my room with a mind wandering to places. Thanks to my retirement, I got to meet new people. Also, had alot of time to invest in productive things. I wasn’t prepared at all for this journey. Some familiar voice in my head kept on telling me that this is one such opportunity which wouldn’t knock on my door for a second time. This is the only chance left for me to find where my happiness truly lies in.

Away from people I know, away from my comfort zone, far away from the goddamn land itself was a dare I wasn’t ready to take. It took time, but not so long though, to say hello to the real world. I kept feeding my mind that I could do it. That I’m brave enough. That I’ll find answers for myself. Finally, I set my foot on the cruise.

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TBH, I didn’t ask my friend about our stops. Nor did he tell me. He kept saying, something special, something best, is gonna happen to me. For the first few days I looked at the ocean with fear. When I say how much I love the ocean, I guess meant only the surface and waves which could be seen from the beach. In the middle of nowhere, where a piece of land can only be imagined, the ocean was scary. The blue waves I used to like, was then giving me less peaceful sleep. Every other member on the yacht seemed fine. It was only me who grasped on almost everything while walking around. The sound of wind, the sound of ocean, stirred my mind. It took me few more days to realize that I didn’t make a mistake. Why?

TBC…

1. The retirement

The retirement from job. From marriage. From reading. From traveling. From comfort zones. What did I yield? I had no good mind to go for work again, maybe cuz being a tightwad helped me with savings. No way I was going to get that book out of my shelf and smell it, cuz it made my stomach churn. People were only a call or text away, but I never cared to pickup up my phone and courage together to open my heart, cuz I was scared to face the questions to come. Getting out of a married life gave me relief. But also a little ache in my heart too. Where does my comfort zone lies now?

I thought retirement would make space for all joys to come uninvited into my life. Nothing but emptiness remained. It took the room to itself.

For days, months actually as I remember it, passed and nothing exciting enough came in my way. New friends, new love, new job, new hobby. There was nothing new. It felt like, as if I’m holding a dictionary. I’ve read the meaning of life-terms a thousand times and know it all by heart. Even if something ‘new’ would knock on my door, I cared not to open it and scroll through the pages to find its meaning; for I knew it already. The hope to find a moderation was dead. Was I too tired to cherish it all again? Will I ever find the strength to take life as it comes?

I had no plans to extend my retirement for life. But it took too long than expected to come out of my shell. I needed something so as to add excitement to my life, only I didn’t know what it could be. My little journey to find what that ‘something’, earned me a favour. A friend. A friend who’s exactly another variant of me. Had I turned down his offer to join the yacht cruise, I would still be wandering here and there searching for answers, while all what I needed was lying right there, in the deep blue ocean.

My journey actually began….

TBC….